Hush Now, Child

Things to keep in mind:

1. Put your spare car key somewhere that’s easy to describe over the phone in a panic (“TOP DRAWER OF BIG CABINET!” instead of “Go into the garage and find the old file drawer with three locks, not the one with two locks, and open the bottom drawer and I think it should be in there but might be under some old receipts from the dentist, and if it’s not there then it probably lives in a purse, the oldest purse, try to find the oldest purse you can.”).
2. Worrying is not your favourite hobby. It used to be, but you need to realise that when you’re either a parent or forty-two, worrying will not even be a choice. Worrying will be your natural rest state. Worrying now would be like reviewing a movie after you’ve only seen the trailer. Stop it.
3. Quitting smoking is a spiritual and personal dilemma. Be nice to people who fall off the wagon, or who are cranky and brain-dead because all they want is ONE crappy MERIT. People’s relationships to their vices is only exacerbated by your critical side-eye. Five years ago, nobody was quitting anything; this year, people started to quit drinking and smoking and starting to take long jogs and getting gum surgery. It feels lame to be the salmon confusedly floating downstream. It takes a few tries to turn the fish around, be patient and supportive.
4. If you’re leasing a BMW and can’t afford milk for your coffee, I think you’re doing it wrong. Maybe not though.
5. If something is too personal, call it fiction.
6. Beer won’t make you fat, fries won’t make you fat, sugar won’t make you fat, burgers won’t make you fat, sitting down won’t make you fat. Worrying about getting fat will always get you fat.
7. If your shampoo costs $65 and comes from Milan, think about that. It’s shampoo. Your hair is going to die anyway.
8. Stop obsessing about physical imperfections. You look better than you did at 15. Seriously. I can see you. A couple pounds kind of suits you anyway.
9. Have Bisquick around. If you want someone to fall in love with you, make them pancakes. Don’t put all the pancake-making accoutrements out and ask them to make pancakes (see: Bridesmaids). That’s lazy of you.
10. Men and women are the same. No “but.” No “but, you see.” No “but, they’re.” No. The same.
11. It’s too late to try heroin. Way too late for crack. You missed the boat. Go for a run.
12. Throw away all of those old magazines with interesting articles in them. Throw away the vintage beer and coke bottles and the little plastic doodads. Don’t put them in a “to throw away later” heap, because you never will. I promise. Watch Hoarders if you think I’m full of beans. At least I’m not the one full of old issues of Time.
13. Nobody cares anymore if you join a dating site. We’ve all been on sites that can be used for dating. Don’t apologise, unless you’re lying about being bisexual.
14. All babies look like aliens when they’re born, except yours. Yours will be beautiful.
15. Don’t bother with someone you’re not attracted to. Or someone who hates your gender. Or someone who can’t let a fat stranger pass by without leaning over to whisper in your ear, look how fat. Or someone who’s bad at talking and prefers grunting. Unless those are all things you do, and if so please re-evaluate yourself. Being with someone just to be with someone is like giving yourself mononucleosis: out of commission for a year, unable to drink alcohol without pain, and drained of your life force in general.
16. Something good might come in the mail, even if nothing good has ever come in the mail.
17. Tetris helps relieve PTSD. And is also awesome.
18. No one likes someone who only complains. Smile.